and here is an eamil i got today i liked it hope you do 2
Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone to date.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase..."Goodnight, sleep tight"
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
---
Well, there's a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical .
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Our OIL is located in
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ALASKA
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
and
Texas
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Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!
?
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So
One day, when a carpenter was working next to a river, his hammer fell into the water. When he
cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My child, what is wrong?"
The carpenter replied that his only hammer had fallen
into the water and that he needed it so that he could keep working and make a living for his family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled
up a solid gold hammer with a handle wrapped in rich, brown leather.
"Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked.
The carpenter replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
platinum hammer with a handle set with diamonds.
"Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked.
Again, the carpenter replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a
plain, worn out iron hammer. "Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked.
The carpenter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and
gave him all three hammers to keep, and the carpenter went
home happy.
Some years later, the carpenter was walking with
his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river
and disappeared under the water.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked him, "What is wrong, child?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the carpenter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!"
The carpenter replied, "Oh, forgive me my Lord, It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to
Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Beyonce. Then if I
said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Angelina.
And so the Lord let him keep her.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,'What was that all about?'
A family is at the dinner table and the son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there
are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In
his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
I recall my first time with a condom, I
was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms
at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she
could see that I was new at it. She handed me the
package and asked if I
knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered,'No. this is my
first time'
So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me
to make sure it was
on tight and secure. I apparently still looked
confused.. So she looked
all around the store to see if it was empty. It was
empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to
the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She
unhooked her bra and
laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I
could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the
condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her
skirt, removed her
panties and lay down on a desk.'Well, come on', she
said,'We don't have
much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so
wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within
a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a
frown.'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said,'I sure did,' and held up my
thumb to show her.
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."
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i liked it hope you do 2